We all thought that those days of taking mortifying pictures for the school yearbook and our driver’s license had ended.  No more opportunities to permanently capture our bad hair days, our strange inclinations to wear black turtle necks or our oh-so-awkward braces phase.  Yet here you are on your orientation day, being asked to take a picture for your i-card.  One piece of advice:  smile big and smile pretty, because unlike your yearbook photo, this baby cannot be shoved into a box in your closet — your i-card has to stay with you at all times.  If you fail to comply to this simple rule, the following unfortunate situations can occur:

The old “wait-outside-your-dorm-for-someone-to-let-you-in” scenario

Yes, you need your i-card each and every time you want to enter your dorm.  You will see, especially at the beginning of the year when no one has figured out the value of this beautiful blue card yet, the most pathetic looking students standing outside in the rain or freezing cold (Champaign-Urbana has a nasty habit of alternating between the two).  They will look sad, confused, frustrated, angry, exhausted or a ridiculous combination of all five. Believe me, you do not want this to be you.

The “hungry college student” situation

You’ve been dreaming of the dining hall’s delectable desserts and scrumptious soups throughout your entire Political Science lecture (world hunger is starting to seem very real), but when you finally arrive and reach into your pocket for your i-card, you can only find a free coupon for a Jimmy John’s sub – which would be great, if you hadn’t already ordered one for delivery at 2 a.m. the night before. There is nothing quite like this feeling of devastation, when your hunger forms a deep, sad, empty hole in your stomach.

The “no i-card, no studying” setback

At the Undergraduate Library (UGL) after midnight, you certainly fit the part of an intellectual: wearing glasses after hours of studying has dried out your contacts, bedhead (ironic, because you are thoroughly sleep-deprived), and sweats wrinkled from spending too much time in the same position.  But a security guard will ask you for your i-card – because everyone knows that you need it between the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. – and your intellectual ego may suffer some serious damage.

The “all-dressed-up-with-nowhere-to-go” debacle

In a twist of the UGL situation, you are on your way to the Activities and Recreation Center (ARC) or Campus Recreation Center East (CRCE).  I know I’m always looking for an excuse not to work out, but when I’m dressed for fitness success with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, shoelaces tied tightly, junky t-shirt that I don’t mind getting a little sweaty, workout gear in hand, there is nothing more frustrating than being denied entry because I do not have my i-card.  Chances are that by the time I return to my room to retrieve it, I will interpret the change in plans as a sign that I should just work out tomorrow instead. Yeah right.

The “I-swear-it’s-me” snafu

Despite your assurance that your professor has seen you sitting in the front row of lecture for the past eight weeks, he might claim that he cannot give you your exam until you can prove that you are in fact a student in his class, not some overexcited random individual who is just dying to take a 10 page test.

The “frustrated fanatic” fiasco

Your face is painted solid orange.  You’re wearing a blue body suit and have an “I” painted on your stomach and you are so ready to go to your first Illinois football game that it would take an entire army to stop you – or just a lack of an i-card. To pick up your Block I or basketball tickets, you’ll need it. Might have been nice to know before you dove into a bucket of orange paint.

The “poor college student” predicament

When you were 3-years-old and enjoying the most delicious popsicle in the summer heat, the juices dripping down your chin and leaving a cherry-red stain on your little white t-shirt, even the smallest amount of excitement might cause your sweet treat to nose dive into the dirt. After a dramatic amount of tears, a quick reach into the cooler will get you a brand new one. It does not work that way with your i-card. You might also cry if you lose it, but this time, the tears will flood because a brand new one will cost you $25. That’s almost four Chipotle chicken burritos.

The “better luck next time” misfortune

Every time I walk into Urban Outfitters, I practically drool over all of the clothing I dream about but cannot afford. Occasionally, however, they will have a sale — but it only applies to those with an i-card. Without it, you have to face the cashier who tells you she’s sorry in her sweetest voice, but she cannot possibly understand how those words of apology have done nothing but crush your dreams. There are places all over campus that offer deals valid only for students with i-cards, but if you happen to lose it or leave it at your dorm, you’re sheer out of luck.

The memory loss

Nothing can replace that summer glow on your face as you smile for the camera at freshman orientation. You are young, wide-eyed and ready for everything college has to offer – and if you’re like me, you look ridiculous. A lucky few are just naturally photogenic, but the rest of us have the privilege of looking back and laughing at our pictures. Without your i-card, you lose the memory of that baby freshman face and will be unable to look back and smile about how you have left that naive self behind.

Needless to say, you want to avoid each and every one of these situations and the resulting humiliation, frustration and grief.  The solution? Always keep your i-card in a wallet. For the first few weeks, I even put that wallet on a lanyard around my neck – a classic freshman move. Trouble happens when you shove it into a coat or jeans pocket, set it on a desk or table, or the biggest mistake of all, hand it to someone else to hold onto for you.

After all, the only thing worse than sporting a lanyard with a wallet around your neck is being a freshman who has lost their i-card.

Maggie is a sophomore in English.

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